Regret. I so desperately wish I could let go of it! I carry it around with me from day to day and from year to year. It sits silently in the back of my mind most of the time. Unfortunately, it occasionally comes out to torment me.
When my three adult children left the house, there were only three of us remaining—my husband, my 6-year-old son, and me. The five-bedroom house was just too big! We were tired of doing yard work and bearing the responsibility of home ownership, so we decided to sell and move to a condo. We had a moving sale to downsize our belongings., and then we sold our over 3,000 square foot house and purchased a 1,600 square foot condo. It was located near an elementary school for our son, and it had a swimming pool overlooking Lake Michigan where we could spend time during the summer months. We loved it!
That was about 14 years ago. If I let myself go there, I start stewing with regret over selling that house. My daughter and son-in-law decided to sell their home a few years after we moved, and due to the volatile housing market, they had a difficult time finding a new one. They ended up having to live in an apartment for a couple of years. Our granddaughter’s health suffered due to mold in one of the apartments where they lived. The stress of building a house, something they didn’t really want to do, was hard on the entire family. If only we hadn’t sold our house! They could have lived in two of the three empty bedrooms. I also ruminate on whether it was the best home for my six-year-old son. So much regret!
All my children have some degree of mental health issues. Gratefully, for three of my four children, the issues are minor. My oldest son, Aaron, has a difficult-to-treat case of schizophrenia. He began to get sick when he was fifteen years old. It has been challenging over the past 26 years balancing the care for Aaron and the rest of our children. I sometimes reflect on how my husband and I managed our son’s illness. We tried so hard to give him the best quality of life possible, despite his illness. Did we spend too much time trying to help Aaron at the expense of our other children? If we had relinquished Aaron’s care to the professionals, would our other children have fewer emotional issues? Would they be less anxious and more emotionally stable? If I let myself go there, I start stewing with regret over not giving my healthy children more attention.
The thing is, I couldn’t have known when we sold our house that my daughter and her family would need a temporary place to live. I can’t say today if anything my husband and I did to care for Aaron negatively impacted our other children. I don’t have a time machine that enables me to go back to the past for a do-over. Even if I could travel back in time and make different decisions, I couldn’t possibly know the outcome of those decisions. When I’m thinking clearly, I know that harboring regret is unhealthy for me. In these situations, it isn’t very reasonable. After all, my life and the lives of my children might be BETTER because of the decisions we made about the house and our son’s care. There is no way to know!
An incessant focus on regret also prevents us from seeing the blessings that flow into our lives because of the decisions we’ve made. When we set aside the feelings of regret and frustration with the circumstances we’re facing, we can see the emotional and spiritual growth we’re experiencing. There is both good and bad in all circumstances.
While at times regret can result in positive outcomes, it is often unhealthy. In her article, The Psychology of Regret, Dr. Melanie Greenberg demonstrates this:
For young people in particular, regret, although painful to experience, can be a helpful emotion. The pain of regret can result in refocusing and taking corrective action or pursuing a new path. However, the less opportunity one has to change the situation, the more likely it is that regret can turn into rumination and trigger chronic stress that damages mind and body.
While it is challenging, we must stop blaming ourselves for the decisions we made in the past and forgive ourselves when the outcomes appear to have undesirable consequences. Inability to accept our circumstances and appreciate the outcomes of our decisions can be harmful to our mental health. One thing that has been helpful for me is meditation. It helps me to be mindful and to focus on the present. When I can be more present, I’m less likely to stew on regret. I am hopeful that, over time, my regrets will either be stored permanently in the back of my mind or fade away entirely. It is essential to let go of regret to maintain a healthy mind and body.
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